On being alone

The time a raccoon got into my refrigerator & making friends with fear

Happy new year, friends!

I am writing to you from an eco-village and community in San Juanillo, Costa Rica. I arrived a few days ago and I will be here for 1 month! Taking a month off to focus on my own healing and development has been something I have longed to do for a while, and now it is here. I recognize it is a tremendous privilege to have the freedom, flexibility, and means to take this time for myself, and I am really leaning into it all.

I am here alone. Well, I am surrounded by people in this community but I didn’t come here with anyone and that feels different too. Traveling alone stirs up a lot in me…

anxiety of the unknown,

excitement at the anonymity and the gift of being without my usual labels,

freedom of getting to decide what I do each day and making that decision for myself,

And fear about spending so much time by myself.

Will I be lonely? Will I make any friends? Will I go crazy being alone with my own thoughts?

These are questions and musings that I feel grateful to have and that I get the chance to observe myself having them. Traveling alone is a huge mirror for how I do life, and I know I’m not alone in saying I have spent too many years of my life running from my own company.

And now here I am. Alone. On the balcony of my simple bungalow, surrounded by the dark aliveness of a Costa Rican jungle hearing the chirping of bats and the chorus of crickets. And in this moment I realize I’m not so alone after all.

So how has it been going?

It’s a big question and not one I can succinctly answer. So instead I’ll tell you a story of my first night here and hopefully it brings you some laughter and something useful to ponder.

So I’m tucked into bed on my first night here, attempting to shut my brain off and go to sleep. I finally fall into a fitful sleep of vivid dreams and tossing and turning. I suddenly woke up to a loud thud and something falling in my room. I sat up in bed, turned on the light and see that an animal has opened my screen door, got into my fridge, and was making off with a tub of yogurt. It was a coati, a species of raccoon. Very cute actually and very mischievous. Caught in the act, he abandoned the yogurt halfway out the door, and was on the balcony staring at me with beady eyes as if to say, “What? This was my home first.” Touché, buddy. But let’s learn to co-exist peacefully. He only skittered off after I made a loud noise by hitting a broom on the ground.

My body was buzzing with adrenaline after that and I checked all of the doors and windows making sure everything was properly locked. I proceeded to mentally beat myself up for not locking the screen door or the fridge. Had I practically invited this furry friend in like some naive newcomer?

I certainly couldn’t immediately go back to sleep after that. I went into my bathroom to splash some cold water on my face and saw a pretty large and scary looking bug in the corner by my toilet. I think that it was a scorpion (still unsure what it was, but it looked angry and like it could sting me if provoked) and proceed to freak out before taking a few breaths to decide what to do. He seemed too big to squash, and I was scared of unintended consequences, so I decided to catch him and put him outside. I got a glass, stepped onto the toilet thinking that way if he ran he wouldn’t run into me. I effectively trapped him on the first try - go me! I slid the laminated information sheet underneath the glass and then ran, no actually walked very carefully, outside to set him free before sprinting back to my bungalow.

The best part of this story? A fun fact about me is that I sleep with my mouth taped every night. So this entire kerfuffle happened with me in my underwear with my mouth taped. I honestly don’t know why I didn’t take the tape off. I just feel comfortable with my mouth taped at night and it didn’t occur to me - also nasal breathing enhances performance, right?

After this I did NOT go back to sleep and instead stayed up on high alert waiting for the coati to come back and fearing what lurked in the dark corners of my bathroom.

Eventually the morning did come. I made it. I now look back on the night as an amusing welcome to this month of adventure, and an interesting way to explore this being alone business.

Traveling alone and dealing with these unexpected situations puts me way out of my comfort zone. If I was traveling with my husband, there is no way I would have trapped the scorpion by myself. I also got the chance to witness my fear in an extremely tangible way. Fear that was already there, but which was fully brought to life by these animal encounters. Fear of the unknown. Fear of whether I can do this by myself. Fear of being uncomfortable. Fear of getting hurt.

I could keep going, but you get the point. Fear is there.

And fear is with me in my home life too but it looks different. It is more subtle, hiding under the layers of “put togetherness” and typical routines. With fear so in my face and loud (HOLY SHIT, IS THAT A SCORPION??) I get this unique opportunity to recognize how my body and nervous system react to a threat, and then I get to respond.

I get to use my tools. Breathing, talking myself through difficult situations with love, journaling, tapping, stretching, rhythmic movements to self-soothe, and sometimes just sitting with the shit that still doesn’t go away after I do all the “things”.

I guess what I’m embracing right now is that fear gets to be my companion but it doesn’t run the show. It might have a seat in the car, but its not in the driver seat.

What helps you be with fear? And if you have advice on co-existing with bugs and sneaky mammals, please send them my way.

Also, in case you are wondering the coati has not returned after increased security protocols, and I am beginning to sleep a bit better.

Thanks for being here and reading this slightly different addition of my newsletter.

I love you. Wishing you a gentle start to 2025!