Turning towards pain
Tonglen meditation to increase compassion for ourselves and our world
It has been a bit tough lately, friends.
Since I last wrote, I came down with COVID and while it was overall a mild case, I felt pretty crappy for about a week. And the physical and mental fatigue lingered after other symptoms resolved. More than any one physical symptom I felt, it was the combination of them and how I really struggled to slow down and let myself rest and heal. All my body wanted to do was rest and all my mind seemed to want to do was resist and push. Oof, this was a difficult place to be, and quite a wake up call as so much of my work involves guiding people with chronic illness to pace themselves, find deeper rest, and manage fluctuating medical symptoms.
This is so much easier said than done. If you are struggling with this, you are not alone. You are doing enough just listening to your body and your needs more intentionally.
I previously have written about the benefits of appreciating joy - a quality of attention and awareness that mindfulness can be so helpful for. Today’s post is all about the other side of the coin. How can we care about our pain? And why does it even matter if we care about it?
One of my mindfulness teachers, Rachael Savage, once led a meditation where we focused on this theme. She offered the words, “may I learn to care about my pain” as an anchor during our sit. The pain in question might be physical pain or it might be emotional pain - grief, loss, regret, bitterness. There are so many types of pain we experience in this human life and when we see ourselves as integrated wholes with a body, mind, heart, spirit, we begin to see all these types of pain are interconnected. I have found the idea of building my capacity to care about my pain a helpful way to practice and live compassion.
In Buddhist philosophy there is this idea of the “second arrow”, which Tara Brach discusses regularly in her talks and meditations. This is essentially the idea that in life we all experience pain, loss, difficulty. This is difficult enough as it is, but often we relate to ourselves with judgment, frustration, and contempt - this is the “second arrow” which just adds more pain onto the already real pain you feel.
Plus, in our American culture, we are very, very bad at turning towards our pain with compassion. Instead, many of us (myself included!) want to fix it, run away, numb it out, rationalize until the cows come home, or find some other creative way to distance ourselves from the pain we are feeling.
A Tonglen meditation practice
One of my practices for awakening and for strengthening my capacity to sit with my pain and others’ pain is Tonglen meditation. Tonglen means “giving and receiving.” In Tonglen meditation, I imagine my heart as a filter. On every inhale, I breathe in the pain and suffering (my own and/or another’s) and on every exhale, I breathe out compassion and care.
I have found it most helpful to add a visualization and sensory component to the breath focus. I visualize pain as darkness, heaviness, heat, red/orange colors and breathe that into an expanding heart. On the exhale, I visualize the qualities of coolness, spaciousness, and lightness. The exhale of compassion feels clear, refreshing and bright. I find it particularly powerful to practice giving and receiving for myself, for others struggling with the same difficulties, and then for the whole world (or however big you can stretch it out - state, country, etc.)
There are many ways to practice Tonglen meditation. You can practice it formally during a seated meditation (see free meditations below). You can also practice it on the go or “in the moment” if you are feeling overwhelmed, highly sensitive, or in need of supporting yourself or others. Often if I see someone else in pain, I will just try to take 1 breath, maybe 3 breaths focusing on breathing the heaviness into my heart and breathing out compassion, lightness, and goodness to them.
Tonglen for me has shown me the depth of resiliency of the heart. My heart always has more spaciousness and abundance than I thought. We were made to give and receive love. It is about remembering how to practice it and intentionally cultivating the practice.
If you try this technique or meditation out, share with me in the comments what you notice!
Free Tonglen meditations:
Tonglen Meditation with Tara Brach (6 mins):
Pema Chondron - Tonglen Meditation (11 mins):
Tara Brach Short Talk and Meditation (32 minutes):
Interesting. I will give it a try. I find focussing on the pain in the moment does help and lessens it.